So this is me now after months of not uploading or even writing anything. And in those months that I’ve missed here, well ALOT has happened. The person who used to write on here is not the same person anymore. I’ve grown and learned so much from this year, 2010. I’ve grown soo much as a person, learned sooo many things about the people I’ve surrounded myself with, people that are around me and most importantly I’ve learned about myself. That’s the most important lesson that I’ve earned.  All in all 2010 was a very good year.. did ALOT of things, was more liberated. Experienced new things, and saw things Ive never seen before, done things I’ve never done before. MEt people, got closer to those kids who are now my GOOOD friends. I got everything that I wanted from this year and now I’m ready to move on to the next. The year is almost done. In about 24 days im going to be 20 ! But now i can honestly say that im ready for it. I feel like I’ve done everything I wanted to before I turned 20. Here I am just waiting for it to come. Nervous and anxious because it is a very big number! And it’s kind of a big deal. But anyway the person I am now has grown, matured and is a lot wiser now. I like the person that i’ve become.  I can’t ask for more cause I am thankful and content for everything that I have now. All I wish for is that the new year bring me more things to learn whether it be good or bad. Well I hope it brings me another good year. cause I am thankful that 2010 was a good year! It was a good way to close this decade and start a new.

So now I’ve been through a rabbit hole and out.  It was one HELL of a trip. I see the world so differently. My perception of the world and of myself has changed. I have a new and better perspective outlook on my surroundings and myself. I’ve been through beyond myself. Now looking back, I can say that was I and this is me now. Someone new I have to know.

Two decades and here I am. So this is life and its very strange.

” I can’t think on my yesterdays or my tomorrows”

Live in THIS moment. Yesterday is gone and tomorrow is unknown. RIGHT NOW is past present and future.  The past is gone, the future isn’t here yet  and the present the past even while we attempt to define it and like a flash of lightning , at once exists and expires.. You only get one shot. And at any given moment it could be something and become nothing.

WAKE UP!

Dreams don’t lie.

12.23.90-4.23.10  (4.30.10)

3.1.9

Brown/Grey/Black “Dirty” Background Colors

Unsettling, distracting, materialistic, negating spirituality. Dark thoughts, depressing thoughts, unclear intentions, presence of a dark side of personality. Pain or lack of ease, anger

So I guess this is THE website to go to when I can’t sleep. There’s too much thoughts running through my mind, it doesn’t stop and it never does unless I drug myself. But that’s not the point to why I’m here. I’m here because I haven’t been writing and I suppose I’m here to let the words run freely. I can’t promise I’ll be creative but I’ll most likely just rant. so here it goes…

Two people sat down alongside the ash on the tray and drew me on a piece of paper. Left me in a coffee shop and skipped away. I wondered the streets with my back to a white wall. I became afraid of what i never saw behind me. A young man made a smile on my face. He had drawn me a flower and a door. A smile, a door which led me back to him. The stars in his eyes brighten me. He kept me close to the lead of his pencil. He held my hand and sang me a song. I had realized what love was. I began to drip from my eyes and as the tear touched my toes he was gone.

this passage was written by me a long long time ago..I don’t even remember to have written this.

Anyway  so today I’ve realized that this year two thousand and ten will mark the last year of my adolescence. Before this year ends I will be twenty years of age. I’m only getting older. But I like this year so far and I promise myself that I will enjoy this year as much as I can because I can never return to this age again. Time only moves forward and I wanna flow freely with it.

there’s too much to write down

so nathalie’s having a party tonight.

But I did go to a party the other night. So let me tell you about that.

Well my newly found friends and I celebrated maldeevs’s seventeenth birthday and it was feckin great. It was a bit of a blur but I had a very content and fulfilling night. I was with the right people at the right time, I’m glad that they came into my life because I needed a new group. They’re like a breathe of fresh air. Yes they are very young compared to me but I can see past that. I love they’re personality as each individuals and as a whole.They’re good kids I’ll tell you that much…typical and nonconformists at the same time.

But for my old friends…well I’m still proud of having or had them as friends. But I guess they’re in the past now. Those memories are in the past now with them and they’ll stay there. I look back on it now and I’m happy that I can look back on them now. I’m glad that everything did happen the way it did. I was able to let go and move on.

but Lilly’s still here…well I have a special category for her

well relationship wise…at the moment I’m just going with the flow…My feelings for HER I guess that’s how i’ll refer to her now umm have slowly faded. Yes I miss being in a relationship but I know the right one will come my way. I’m satisfied I suppose. The feeling of solitude will always linger but I suppose having the right people around me takes the feeling away.

But currently I’ve been a big fan of lady Gaga. She’s def someone different and I can honestly say that she inspires me…she leaves me SPEECHLESS

I work at beauty castle in jersey city with my sister. It’s a good place, the jobs not hard, they pay alright and pay comes weekly and the people are nice. But now I understand what it is to work for your own money and it feels good. It’s my first job and so far I like it.

And today, just so I have an excuse to look back. But I had a pretty solid day. I hung out with Vicky, Krista, and Dee. On the way to Dee’s house we ran into Zaid and Maldeevs. Vicky and I were suppose to chill with Zaid and his friend but things happened so we just hung out with Dee and Krista. Which was fine because we ended up coppin from Sarah Ennis’s brother John, who by the way has some really good weed. It was a cold day too! The wind was picking up and as the sun was setting it gone even more cold! We smoke the fattest blunt I’ve smoked in a while and after. Well after we were all rocked. It was ridiculous. We came inside her house munched out but it wasn’t enough. Vicky ate a catnip and I still don’t know why but it was hilarious. Then we smoked the rest of the bud went to Burger King and fucking ate. I’m still full right now but it was a great day.

As time goes on I don’t know how to feel. She’s just charming and it attracts me like a magnet! I think the reason I don’t wanna tell her how I feel is because I don’t want the friendship we have now to be weird and awkward because I just don’t know how she’ll take it.

ksgjsfghpdhghasiudfgh AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Today was odd. I had such a good dream last night that I didn’t want to wake up from it. I was so sad that I did. It affected my whole day. It made me sad that whole day.I guess I’ve been sad and it’s just another sad day. Well the dream was random, it had Vicky, Krista, Jessi, Maldeevs, Manny, and someone else whom I did not recognize. In the dream, I had the car and I was driving around Clifton with them looking for a dealer so we can smoke. In the dream I found myself looking in the back seat alot and at Vicky. I think it’s because I miss her. But also in the dream we drove on route 21 which didn’t look like 21 but it was. In the dream we were trying to figure out which of em I drive home first. We didn’t figure it out. It was raining in the dream too.

But today I cleaned a lot. I cleaned the bathroom, the room, organized my drawer and my sisters drawer. I got twenty dollars for it. I hope I get a job soon. Cleaning really helped me today, it helped with the stress and frustration. I guess it’s guess I’m not happy and I can’t find a reason to be happy.

And this was taken today, this morning around 8a.m. I woke up because the sun was beaming through the blinds and it woke me up. I just had to see how it looked. This is how it looked. It was the first thing I saw this morning.

nothing left to do but run, run, run. Let’s run….

soo another night where I can’t sleep. I have so much going through my head. Is it possible to go through a day without thinking and just be at ease? I guess I’ve had to much “happy hours” that now it’s time for “not so happy hours”? Anyway it’s been a week since I’ve been out of school. I can’t say I miss it school but I do miss seeing those kids at school everyday. Tonight made me realize how decisions can be life altering. Now that I dropped out of school i dont know whether to feel like a failure or not. I don’t regret it but it makes me think. I’m lost and confused. Incredibly lost and confused. I have nathalie going through my head, I have Vicky running through my head. I have the past four years runing through my head. I wanna know more about life. It’s a crazy fucking world.

For now I am looking for a job and in December I am taking my GED test. For my own good I’m taking things one at a time. I feel like there’s no one guiding me, i feel like I’m on my own. I feel so isolated. Incredibly isolated. I’m trying really hard to be optimistic. But I’ve been so indifferent towards myself for so long now that I can’t feel myself anymore. I’m going to be 19 next month and I feel like I’m not ready to be that age yet. Age is nothing but a number, But that number represents so much. oh how time flies by when you sit back and watch.

Pot has taken it’s toll on me. Abusing it doesn’t get you anywhere. I don’t know what I’m so sad about. I really don’t and I can’t seem to figure it out. It’s something.

Anyway this past weekend was Halloween and I had a fucking blast. Never knew halloween could be so good. I guess comparing it to the past four years, it’s the fucking best. It was at this studio in West Paterson. Randy’s band was playing. I dressed up as myself as a Hippie. I was suppose to be Batman with Vicky but she didn’t come through coz of things at home. I hope I get to hang out with her soon. I hope I get that job! But at that party I got incredibly fucking drunk and soo fucking high. It was a good party. I had a lot of fun. Music was fucking great. But at the same time it was such a blur. I took some pictures of randy’s band playing and some of it came out pretty good esp that I was intoxicated. And today I saw those pictures i took of them on their myspace music page. I’ve never had my work used like that. It felt good that they used my pictures that way they did. It made me feel proud of myself. Which is a good thing.

WHERE WILL I BE IN 10 YEARS?! and when it comes I’ll be 29?

I may have dropped out of High School but that doesn’t mean that I’m going to be a failure for the rest of my life.

Who’s gonna be there in 10 years?

Today, Monday, October 26th 2009. Third week of October. Beautiful fucking day. Sunny, barely any clouds in the sky. Cool Monday, Mid autumn, all the leaves are changing colors and they’re falling. WEather’s changing again. Today was suppose to be a start of something good. No smoking pot, go to class but I totally disregarded that and went on about my bussiness.

On this day I only went to my first three classes and my last period class. Everything else in between I spent outside, cutting class, smoking grass and cigarettes, and hanging out with friends. It was a great day. I had a good day until I went back to my 8th per class. My beloved philosophy class. There I was sitting in my sit, my mind wandering, wandering, can’t focus on what the teachers saying. When the phone rings, everyone shuts up and all of a sudden I see Ms. Babiak come in through the door. FRom that moment on I knew my day just turned from good to bad. I knew I was caught.   It was the moment I’ve been avoiding for weeks. She was mad that I cut her class for two weeks but while talking to her I was really really high. I didn’t know what to say. I barely said a word.

It’s just crazy…when I got home my parents decided that I should just drop out of school. They’re fed up and I completely understand that they are. This is solely my fault. If I were them I’d be fed up with me too. It’s the same mistake over and over again. I fucked up but maybe dropping out is the best way. It;s just now I don’t know what to do with myself. I don’ t know what i want. I don’t know what to do. I just don’t know…for now. I’m extremely confused. I feel plenty of things. For now I guess I need to find a job and get my GED. Then after that I’ll figure it out. because right now I am on my own. I have nobody but myself. I can get through this I know I can. It will get better again. It’s just for now I have to ride it out, figure out what I want to do with my life. As I get older I feel more disturbed and confused.

i guess now I just don’t want tomorrow to come. I just wanna sleep and wake up that everything is alright.

But the world never stops turning. I don’t wanna be me anymore…whoever I am.

I always find a way to fuck it up for myself…so I should find a way to fix what I did and find a way out.

HELP!

yes im gonna be a star. beep beep beep yeah…